Still My Hero

We just got back from an amazing trip to Washington, which I will blog about in the next few weeks, but I wanted to talk about the visit to my mom's grave, especially since today is September 8th.

Today marks 4 years.

It still hurts to think about her, to think about how life could of been.

We stopped at the store before heading to her grave. We got her flowers. Elley wanted to be the official flower holder and told me that she would put them on Grandma Lesley's door step. I wish so badly that Grandma Lesley had a door step, that she would open the door when we got there, and she would hug us, kiss us and love us!

I look at this picture and it's still surreal to me. I should be introducing my kids to her, not showing them her grave.

Every time we drive to the cemetery we pass this sign. The first time I saw it was the day my mom was buried. She still is my hero.....she always will be!



**the following story was shared to the YW of my ward when talking about the scripture Joshua 1:9. It's kind of a long story talking about my experience but I'm glad I have it written down

Many of you know that I lost my mom when I was 24 years old. What a difficult time that was in my life! When I was 23, my mom was diagnosed with lymphoma, which is cancer. I still remember the day my mom got the phone call from the doctor. I was on my way to Costco with my parents when the cell phone rang. My mom answered and told my dad to pull over. We sat there silently for a few minutes and my mom began to cry….and so did I. My dad turned the car around and we headed home. A million thoughts ran through my head as we waited to learn more. First thought, which I think is the first thought to go through any ones head after getting news like that, was, Heavenly Father, please don’t take my mom away from me right now, I couldn’t handle that. I had just gotten married and children weren’t even on the way. After a long night of tears and what ifs, the next day brought new hope as we found out that this was a very curable cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a tough road. Chemo was a challenge for my mom. Chemo has a different effect on everyone, and lucky us, chemo was hard on my mom. I remember one afternoon I was laying in bed with my mom, She was crying, very depressed from the chemo treatments and she told me that she wanted to die. I put my arm around her and said “I know you do but I would miss you too much and I can’t live without you. Besides, I haven’t had any kids yet and you need to be there for that.” She then said, “I feel like dying and then you say things like that to me and then I feel like I can keep going, I love you so much Keely.” I thought, she’s going to get through this and we’re going to be fine, but thank goodness families are forever.

One year later, after all the chemo treatments, and a pet scan that pronounced her cancer free, she got a mosquito bite and contracted the west nile virus. At first we didn’t know what was wrong with her, she had flu like symptoms that just weren’t getting any better. Even the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. Apparently, west nile virus can take up to weeks after someone has died to test positive. Monday afternoon my brother Shaune called me. It was the end of summer and I was at the state fair. He told me that mom was in the hospital. I didn’t think much of it because she had been in the hospital so much with the cancer and chemo. She’ll get better….she always did! Doctors still didn’t know what was wrong so she was sent home.

Tuesday afternoon I had the 20 week ultra sound appointment and found out that little miss Elley was a girl. I was so excited, a girl, A GIRL, I’m having a sweet baby girl. I couldn’t wait to call and tell my mom. I called my parents house and my dad answered the phone. I told him the fun news and asked to talk to mom. He told me she was sleeping. I didn’t want him to wake her so asked him if he would have her call me a little later when she woke up. Latter on that night she called. She sounded so sick, I’m sure it took everything she had to be excited. I knew something was wrong, but was just sure that she would be fine. I talked to her for about 5 minutes, and Adam said hello too. I then told her that she didn’t sound to good and she should probably get some more rest. That was the last conversation I had with her.

Wednesday morning my dad took her back to the hospital for the very last time. My dad called my brother Craig to tell him mom wasn’t doing very well, and my brother decided to go to California to be with them. I found out that he was going and decided to go with him. He was leaving Friday morning.

Thursday on my way home from work, my other brother Shaune called me to tell me that mom wasn’t doing very well at all. He didn’t know much at that time and told me he would call me later. I got home and didn’t know what to think. The house was empty, Adam wouldn’t be home from work for another few hours. Then the phone rang, it was my brother Shaune again. He told me that moms doctors didn’t know what was wrong but that we probably needed to come right away. He said some medical terms and some other mumbo jumbo but at that point I couldn’t hear anything. I hung up the phone, the house was still empty and very lonely. I knelt down right there and said “Heavenly Father no, not her, not now, not me.” I begged and I pleaded.

It was a long night, my flight left the next morning at about 6am. 3 of my 4 siblings met at the airport in California and then the oldest brother came later that night. When I walked in to that hospital room, nothing could of prepared me to see my mom the way she was. Her body had started to shut down, she looked like she had had a stroke. She had a very difficult time communicating with us and I think at that point we all knew that her time on earth was coming to an end. I spent a week down there, everyday watching my mom get worse and worse, hoping and clinging to every little bit of hope that somehow she would miraculously make it through. She was slipping away right in front of me.

This was a difficult time in my life. A time that questioned my courage, strength, and testimony. I hate to admit this now, but I questioned Heavenly Fathers plan for me and my family. I also questioned his love. I didn’t understand why Heavenly Father didn’t just take her with the cancer and why she had to suffer then and now. A few steps away from her hospital room was a mini hospital chapel. I spent countless hours in that very chapel praying for strength to face this trial, praying for understanding, and praying for the courage to go on another day. This was a time in my life where no one but my Savior would understand me, would understand my thoughts, and could comfort me. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with life without a mother, but I did know, even though I questioned it, was that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ loved me and would be with me.

Friday morning, a week after arriving in California, my mother passed away. I love her so much and I miss her everyday. It’s been 4 years now and I still have to find courage, stay strong and remember that because Jesus Christ made it possible to live again, I can be with my family for forever.

I share this story with you because I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is real and true and that the only reason I made it through that trail was because my Heavenly Father loves me. God is with us always, even in our darkest hours.