A Mother's Love....

I don't tend to use this blog to express my feeling all that much. In fact, I just wanted a place to post pictures, say a few cute things the kiddos were doing, and call it good. This blog has turned into so much more, for me anyway. It's nothing fancy, and sometimes, it's probably a little boring. But, I love it!


I want to share an experience that happened in our family this past weekend. I've seen so many Tender Mercies from above these past few days, and I'm sure that this experience happening this weekend is nothing short of a Tender Mercy. It's Easter, it's conference weekend, and I get to be surrounded by my wonderful, sweet family.


My story is one in a billion, but to me, right now in this very moment, I feel like I'm the only one that knows the hurt and grief that comes when a mother miscarries. And even though I've heard countless stories from friends, and family member that have gone through this same thing, (which I love and appreciate with ALL of my heart) it still feels, in this moment, that I face this alone. Maybe it's my protective shell that we naturally put up when something horrible happens to us, or maybe it the numbness that hasn't worn off yet. I think I still might be in a little bit of shock. In this moment, I sit at the computer and I am alone. The whole house is sleeping, which for me, sleep is hard to come by these nights. Being alone right now in this moment is kind of nice, it's giving me time to think, not just about the miscarriage, but of the sweet blessings that have already come to our family......Elley and Molly. Oh, how I love them. So much that it even hurts sometimes. I really don't know if I could get through this without them.

Thursday night as I was putting Elley to bed I was telling her that in the morning she was going to come with mommy and daddy to the doctor so she could hear the heartbeat of the baby inside mommy's tummy. She was so excited, "I think it's a boy baby mommy!" she said as I tucked her in.

Friday morning we dropped Molly off at a friends house and the 3 of us headed to the doctor. We were all so excited. I had heard the heartbeat at the appointment before and was so sad that Adam missed it. So, here we are, 14 weeks....YAY!

We got into the room, and after weighing, peeing, and blood pressure the nurse said, "the doctor will be just a minute." Our doctor walked in and I said, "surprise, I brought the family so they could hear the heartbeat." So, I laid down and we all listened for the soft, reassuring sound of the heartbeat. After about 30 seconds we couldn't find anything. He didn't seem to worried and I wasn't either, I mean come on, I just heard the heartbeat 4 weeks ago. He told us that we were going to have an ultra sound and I actually got excited. Instead of just hearing the heartbeat, Elley was going to get to actually see her brother or sister. As we followed the ultra sound tech I started to get a little nervous and as I got up on the bed and lifted up my shirt I had the thought, "Keely, there wont be a heartbeat." The minute I saw that little baby up on that screen I just knew. I've seen enough ultra sounds to know that the little flutter of a heart was not happening in my baby. I heard Adam say to Elley, "look, there's our baby!" and my heart sank. I looked over to the tech and said, "there's no heartbeat is there?" She said, "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I can't find one. I'm going to go get the doctor."

Tears started streaming down my face and Adam grabbed my arm. Elley said, "mommy, why are you crying?" Right at that moment the ultra sound tech, my doctor, and his nurse walked into the room. Everything became a blur after that. I remember the doctor saying he was sorry and his nurse kissed my forehead and then laid her cheek on it as the ultra sound tech and doctor looked some more. I was 14 weeks along but from the ultra sound the baby was measuring 12 weeks. The tech also said if she had to guess she would of guessed a boy, it's hard to tell as early as 12 weeks. The doctor said that from looking at the ultra sound he couldn't see any reason why I had miscarried, sometimes it's Mother Nature's way getting rid of something that wasn't meant to be.

So, where do we go from here? I met with another doctor to go over my choices. I had two options. I could wait and see if my body would naturally miscarry on it's own or I could have a D&C. The doctor said that naturally miscarrying could take up to 2 more weeks. The doctor left the room to give Adam and I a minute to talk about everything. The best thing to do for me and my family was to go ahead with the D&C.

That afternoon was hard! The calls that were made to family and close friends were painful and very emotional. I still felt a little numb. I had to go back to the doctor later that afternoon to have a procedure done in preparation for the next morning. My sister called to tell me she was coming into town that night. What a blessing that was, I cannot thank her enough! I was so worried about Molly and Elley and what was going to happen with them. My surgery was so early in the morning I didn't want to have to wake them and take them to someones house.

That night I don't think I fell asleep at all. I woke up at 3:30 after going to bed at 1am and ended up staying up until we left at 6:15am. I kept watching the clock all night long thinking, is it time yet?

Saturday morning I had the surgery. It went well and recovery has been fairly good. We are all hanging in there. Time heals all wounds and we know that this is just a trial of our faith. Thank goodness we were able to watch General Conference this weekend and feel of our Heavenly Father and Savor's love for us and our family. And a BIG thank you to all our friends and family that have offered their love and support. Even a simple phone call has meant the world to me!